It has been weighing on my lately that life is a journey that we all start basically the exact same way and for sure end the exact same way, but somewhere in the middle is like a crazy flow chart with different paths and outcomes..... Right now in my small microcosm of late 20's early 30's friends we are on the baby path.
This is probably the craziest path that I've been on in recent years. It seems pretty damn simple - you want a baby - have sex on this day and bada bing bada boom - you're preggers. And for some, it appears that it is indeed just that simple.
On a sliding scale - the younger you are and the less you want it, the one time rule seems to work pretty well, then the older and more educated you get your chances seem to magically diminish... its kinda weird that way somehow.
The journey is strange, you are so excited about it, you talk to close girlfriends that you are trying, and they in turn confide in you that they are too - then you get even more excited because you are embarking on this magical journey with friends by your side.... but then it gets kinda funky. Friend A gets pregnant right away, Friend B that you didn't even know was trying is pregnant, but you are still waiting in the wings to get tapped into the race, and waiting and waiting.
Then you start feeling like something is wrong, maybe the math is off, maybe I'm broken, maybe God doesn't want me to have a baby, maybe I've done something wrong and I'm paying for it, maybe I'm being punished for my past, maybe having a baby is a huge big deal and I'm o.k. with not having one, we only get this amount of time to be just a couple and then its gone, enjoy the moment, we have more time to save money.......the mind games seem never ending.
I would say that most days like 92% of them I know that God has a plan for our lives, and has a awesome little one all lined up and I have to be patient and trust Him, but the other 8% I feel angry, tired, exhausted from caring so much and wondering is this the month?
I've hit a stage where I just don't wanna talk about it anymore, you're exhausted and there is nothing that can be done by talking about it, no one can fix it, no one can make it better, and retreat into sadness is what seems to be the best option.... but in isolation is deep sadness, dark places, cynicism on the whole process.
Really though talking is good, I am not an island, people have problems and some people don't, Friend B that I didn't know was trying wasn't talking about it cause it took 5 years.....
I've come to realize that at the end of the day, the end of this particular journey there is hope, a baby, and a completely different new life. And when that baby is in my arms and I stare around the room at all the other precious miracles that my sweet friends have, we'll all be back together and all this pain and frustration will melt away, and a new journey will begin. In sharing, listening, prayer we find that there is a plan, an end to the journey - never in our time but always for the best.
Inarticulate to say the least - but it is always good for me to write things out and reaffirm to myself that I am not alone, and no matter your struggles and journey - you are not alone either.
